I’ve been back to work for a month now. We’re managing fairly well, I think. Most of our ability to manage is due to the fact that I have fantastic parents who save my butt on a regular basis. My parents have always been a huge help, but they have been even more so this year, when I’ve been making daily trip to the gym at times that weren’t convenient for my husband to be home. I have no idea how we would manage this ‘two working parents’ life without their help. The boys have been moving in with Grammy and Pappy for my entire rotation and spending evenings on my days off there as well, so that I can get to the gym. So thankful for them!

I knew that going back to work was going to be a challenge. My kids were going to have to adjust to not being at home with me everyday (and vice versa...I love being home with my boys). I was going to have to figure out how to find time to get to the gym around a job with shift work. I was going to have to prepare myself food-wise for busy days/nights at work and also for the slower days/nights where I’m-bored-so-I’ll-just-eat-something is so easy. Add into that mix the fact that my husband works on a potato farm and has been working 100+ hour weeks digging since just after I returned to work. 

So far I have managed to stay on track. I’ve been getting to the gym at least 3-4 days a week. I was worried about keeping the desire to hit the gym. During the time that I was going to the gym just before I found out that I was pregnant with Hudson, I tried to go after work. It was easy for a short time, but then it became a chore and I started opting to just go home more frequently that I chose the gym. I wasn’t really having any success with losing weight so really didn’t have any motivation to keep going. And I hadn’t been going long enough for it to have become habit. Both of those things are different this time around. I’ve hit my goal weight and don’t want to undo all of the success that I have had, and I’ve been at this long enough for my workouts to be part of my life and not just something that I have to do. I feel like the workout part of this return to work adjustment is solid.

I did some food prep before starting back to work and I’ve been able to keep my eating fairly on track. At least work-wise that is. I’ve been struggling a little with eating more crap than I should be, and adjusting to the maintaining-not-losing frame of mind, but that’s another post all together. 

I pack a rather large lunch cooler for each shift with 3 meals and lots of healthy snacks for every shift. I come prepared. I wasn’t entirely prepared for how easy and tempting it would be to fall back into old habits. I’ve read and heard stories about people losing huge amounts of weight only to gain it all back, and the thing that always came to my mind is why?!? and how?!?. I never understood how, after working so hard, they could let them slip back to ground zero. Being back to work has given me a little glimpse into the why and how. 

It would be so, so, so easy to fall back into old habits. 

My job seems to conspire against me. Our base is behind a local pizza place. On a regular basis the wind wafts the tantalizing scent of pizza and garlic fingers across our parking lot and into the building. Standing outside around lunch or suppertime to enjoy the beautiful fall that we’ve be blessed with is dan-ger-ous!

It's a good thing there is a fence between us and the pizza place

Work has been pretty busy since I’ve been back. On both of my day shifts last week I spent the entire 12 hours away from our base. A reprieve from the garlicfingerpizzadeliciousness wind, yes, but tiring. That many hours away from base means trying to grab something to eat quickly before the radio tones go off, calling your truck number and you’re in gear again. It means fueling up the truck then walking into gas stations and being confronted with chips, candy and chocolate. It means that all of the fast food places look soooooo tempting for an easy, sinful supper on the way home.

Add to that, night shifts add hours to my day. At home, after the boys go to bed around 9 pm, I go to bed. I don’t stumble down the stairs in my sleep to stand at the fridge and snack, so for about 8 hours I don’t need to try not to eat crap. At home I get 8 safe hours when I don’t need to convince my stomach that it is just bored, not hungry. On night shifts, that is not the case. We are able to sleep some when we’re not busy but I prefer not to be woken to do calls so I stay up much later than at home. Even on slow nights when I’m not awake doing calls, I routinely see 1 am. That adds 3-4 hour more waking hours in which I need to battle the beast. 

A co-worker of mine has a son that's selling chocolate bars as a fundraiser for his gymnastics group. An ambulance base that has people in and out all day long is a fantastic place to stick a whole case of chocolates and have them sell. When my boys have junk to sell for fundraisers you can bet that I'm going to haul it all to work and let everyone else buy it. But for now, the chocolate covered almonds stare at me from across the room. 

Falling back into the old habits and my old lifestyle would be so easy, but in the past month I've also been reminded that it is so worth it to not go back. I have a job that can be very physically demanding at times, and I notice a gigantic difference between trying to do the job at 250lbs and now at 165lbs.

It feels like they made the ambulances bigger while I was gone. We work in some pretty cramped places, and the back of an ambulance is far from spacious but I don't feel stuffed into it anymore. I can move around and get the things done that I need to so much more comfortably. 

I can wear my work sweater on calls now. I never could before because the littlest amount of activity, or a home with the heat turned up had me sweating from the minute we walked in the door. I used to be drenched at the end of most calls, even ones that were relatively easy. 

The intermediate and advances care medics carry a drug pouch that has our controlled medications in it. I used to have to wear mine at my side because if I wore it at the front of my belt I couldn't see into the pouch past my stomach to see which drugs I was taking out. I wear it quiet comfortably at the very front of my belt now. 

I wear tall work shirts so that they stay tucked in when I'm moving around on calls. Before, I would tuck my shirt in then pull it most of the way out again so that they untucked part "hid" my stomach. I don't have a stomach to hide behind a puffy shirt anymore.

I'm sure I will continue to have days when slipping back to old habits would to be easy thing to do. I just hope that I can keep finding reasons to never go back again.

Body Image

Body image is such a weird thing.

When I was over weight, I obviously knew that I was over weight, but I don't think that I really saw it in the mirror. I always saw myself as smaller than I really was, and that allowed me to not do anything about it. I would get unpleasant reminders when I needed to buy a new piece of clothing and had a hard time finding things my size, but for the most part, I don't think I really saw it.

I looked in the mirror and saw an athletic build, with too much belly, but an athletic build. I've said it before, but I honestly thought I was just built bigger and that the healthy BMI range for my height was a ridiculous underestimation and wouldn't be achievable. I was strong and saw myself in that light.

Some of this semi-comfort definitely came from the fact that I knew that my family and especially my husband loved me as I was. I'm not sure where else it might have come from, but it was there. It wasn't confidence...far from that. I just didn't see enough of a problem to want to change it.

This distorted body image did nothing for my health, but in a weird way it served me well, in that I didn't hate really myself. I wasn't happy with my body, but I didn't really loath it either.

I assumed as I lost weight, that I would either continue to see myself as smaller than I was or start to see myself accurately. I was wrong on both guesses.

It has come as a complete surprise that my self perception has actually done a 180. When I look in the mirror now, most of the time, I don't think I quite see myself accurately. I don't see the old me, but I'm not really seeing the new me yet either. My brain can't compute just how much smaller I've gotten.

Since I've started back to work, every time I hold up my work pants to put them on my brain looks at them and says, "There is no way those are going to fit" and there is still a feeling of surprise when I can not only pull them on higher than my knees, but all the way up and fasten them. 

My husband has taken to calling me Skinny Minnie, people have asked if I'm done losing weight and people have actually used the word skinny, string bean, and tiny to describe me. These are words that never in a million years did I ever think would be used to describe me.

I'm assuming and hoping that as time goes on I'll get more accustomed to this body that I'm walking around in. I had 29 years to get used to that old body. I just need some more time to get used to this one. 

I did some food prep to get ready for my return to work this weekend and a few people wanted the recipes that I used, so here they are.

The first recipe came from Trainer Awesome at my gym. I love cabbage rolls but have never made them because the process sounded too daunting. I’ve typed the recipe as I received it, but I changed it some when I made it.

This casserole is YUMMY! and was super easy.

I changed the recipe for two reasons. One, to suit my own tastes, and also because I was making it with the intention of being able to portion and freeze.

My plan was to just double the recipe, so I used 2lbs of ground pork (I much prefer ground pork to ground beef), 2 onions and 3 smallish stalks of celery. I also added 1 orange pepper, chopped, and 6-7 white mushrooms sliced, to the veg.

I didn’t have any version of garlic in the house, so there was none in my casserole. I did use probably 1 1/2 Tbsp of chili powder and maybe 1/2 Tbsp of cumin. I may have added a few shakes of italian seasoning too, but I’m not sure. I’m kind of a just throw it in the pot kind of cook. The spice measurements are very much ballpark...add to your own tastes.

After I sauted the veggies and then added and browned the meat, I cut up my cabbage. I despise our grater and didn’t feel like digging out the food processor for just 1 head of cabbage, so I just quartered it, sliced each quarter in fairly thin strips and cut around the core when I got down to that point.

Once I got one cabbage sliced, I knew that there was no way that everything was going to fit in my cast iron dutch oven baking dish as it was, let alone with doubling the cabbage. I put a layer of cabbage at the bottom of my two biggest baking dishes, covered with meat/veg and then topped with the remaining cabbage. There was no more room for any additional cabbage at that point.

I added about 1 C of vegetable broth to each dish, instead of the water that the recipe calls for.

I covered and baked for what ended up being about 2 1/2 hours.

As they cooked and the cabbage wilted down there was more room in the dishes. I was happy with the ratio of meat to cabbage, but being able to add more cabbage would have lowered the calories per serving. Next time I might try sauteing the cabbage a little before it gets layered in to see if I could get 2 heads of cabbage to fit.

The way I made the recipe yielded 9 portions of about 190g each (I weigh everything...that weight portion fit in my 1 1/4 C containers) and according to my.fitness.pal, this is how the nutritional info breaks down.
276 Calories
15.9g Total Fat
65.4g Cholesterol
125.8 mg Sodium
12.9 g Total Carbs
4g Fiber
7.4g Sugar
20.3g Protein (that one seems a little high to me....maybe? Input anyone?)

I’ve been eating mine with a 1/2 C serving of a 7 grain rice blend. Love it!


Baked Cabbage

1lb extra lean ground beef (or ground meat of your choosing)
1 medium onion, chopped
1 stalk of celery, chopped
3 cloves of garlic
1 tsp olive oil
Salt and Pepper, to taste
1 medium cabbage, shredded
1/2 cup water

Pre-heat oven to 350 F. In a skillet, saute onion and celery, garlic in olive oil until just soft. Add meat, salt and pepper, stir and leave over heat until meat is cooked through. Spread half of the shredded cabbage in a 2 quart baking dish and cover with all of the meat mixture. Add the remaining cabbage. Pour water over top and cover and backe for 1 hour.



The other recipe I made was one that I’ve been making for a few months now, and LOVE! Really easy, and tasty. Gives the chowder taste and texture without cream.

I had never used leeks before I made this recipe for the first time. I love onions but was intimidated by having to clean the leeks. It’s really not that hard and they are really good. This soup is definitely worth the little extra work.

This last time I doubled the cauliflower and used 2 heads, doubled the liquid and was more careful about controlling the heat and retaining as much liquid as I could. With the double cauliflower I got about 10 servings. Each serving is 2 of my soup ladles...probably 1 C total. I haven’t run it through my.fitness.pal with the extra cauliflower, but the original recipe rings up at about 160 calories per serving, without the shredded cheese on top. Sometimes I do add the cheese, but I enjoy it without just as well.


Cauliflower Leek Soup

3 Leeks, light green and white part
1 head of Cauliflower
2 tsp Olive Oil
2 C Water
2 1/2 C Milk
Bay leaf
Salt and Pepper, to taste
3 Tbsp flour

Optional: Shredded Cheese


Cut and clean leeks well. Here is a good video to show you how, if you’ve never used leeks before. (I use the half moon technique)

In a large pot, saute leeks in olive oil until soft.

Cut cauliflower into small to medium sized florets.

When leeks are soft, add cauliflower, water, 2 C milk (I use 1%), bay leaf and salt and pepper. Reduce heat to just a simmer, and cook covered until cauliflower is soft. If the heat is too high the milk will boil over when covered. Just reduce the heat some...if you cook it without a cover you lose a lot of the volume of your soup.

Once cauliflower is soft, combine the remaining 1/2 C milk with the 3 Tbsp of flour in a separate bowl. Add slurry to pot and stir until soup thickens.

Can be served topped with some shredded cheese.



Hopefully you all enjoy these recipes as much as I do. I live in a house of picky eaters, so Hudson is the only other one that will eat these, but that just means they last longer for me! I froze portions of both of these and they thaw well. The soup does end up being a little more watery when it’s defrosted, but not overly so. Still yummy!

Some people also asked about my 'healthier' snacks. The little ziploc baggies in the picture are Pepperidge Farms Barbecue Cracker Chips and Special K Sour Creme and Onion Cracker Chips. When a bag or box of things like that come into the house I pre-portion them by weight. That way I don't sit down and eat the entire box mindlessly. I know they aren't really healthy options but they are enough to satisfy my junk cravings (most of the time) and are a little bit better than actual chips!

Goal

It's been far longer than I would have liked since my last post. I write bits and pieces of blog posts in my head everyday, but getting them actually typed has been proving difficult. W loves watching things on you.tube and as soon as I sit down at the computer, he needs to watch something, or Hudson needs something. 

I am proud to say that this week, I hit goal weight. I've lost a total of 78 pounds since January of this year. 

As nice as it was to see the number on the scale, it feels a little anti-climactic. I'm feeling a lot of what now?, and I need to find something else to work towards. 

Veggies seemed to be the key to breaking through my plateau. As much as my diet was still a more or less healthy one, when I really looked at it closely, I was starting to get a little slack and one of the main things that had changed was how many veggies I was getting everyday. I had gone from eating 1-2 cups of veggies with every meal to maybe half a cup with one meal a day. Not only was I not getting enough veggies each day, not eating those veggies left me hungry and looking to fill up on something else. I never gave up bread at any point, but I had been decreasing the percentage of my daily calories that were coming from bread.

So, over the past couple of weeks I’ve made a much more concerted effort to stay on top of groceries so that there were lots of veggies around and to make sure that they were getting onto my plate. More salads with lunch, and more veggies as sides with supper. More fruits as snacks as opposed to the other things I was snacking on, like the 100 calorie granola bars, or crisps, or cracker chips. 

And, it worked. It definitely wasn’t super speedy, but it was movement on the scale in the right direction each week (or each day in my must weigh each morning world) and then this week I finally saw the number that I had been looking for. 

I’ve had lots of people ask me, “So, are you done now?”. My answer is, not really. I think that my weight will probably go down a few more pounds. I’m not going to push it too hard, but I’m not doing anything really drastic and I think that my body will probably drop a few more pounds. I don’t think I’ll change my goal weight though. And besides the number on the scale, if I’m being completely honest, I’m not satisfied with my body quite yet. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’ve come a long way and have lots to be proud of, and I definitely am, but I want more definition in my muscles, I want to be able to lift heavier weights, I still want to be more fit. 

I’m coming very close to returning to work (eek!) and I am very well aware that I’m not going to be able to be a gym rat anymore. But I’ve made my health and fitness such a part of my life that I know I will find the time to continue to work on my body. Like every other aspect of our lives over the coming months, I’ll figure out what works. I have fantastic support systems both at home and the gym, I hope to build some new support and get some co-workers to join me when I go back, and I’m committed to figuring it out.

Now I just need to come up with some new goals.

Thanks to everyone that made comments and suggestions after my last post. And especially to those that offered encouragement. I’m lucky to have people to remind me of my successes when I’m feeling a little low!

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There are so many opinions about, and price ranges for, health and fitness gear and tools. Is expensive always better? Does any of the gear actually help us get more fit or fit faster? Do we need any of it? 

I thought that I would make a list of a few of the things I have fallen in love with, the things I use at the moment but am open to new options for, and some of the things that are on my wish list. 

I'd love to have input from you guys, both about the things on my lists and also what would be on your own 'must have' fitness gear lists. What have you tried that was a waste of time and money? What do you swear by?

(*Pictures are all generic ones pulled off of Google)

Things I Love

• Old Navy compression capris (I paid $24.94...they are currently on sale for $18.00!)
  
  
  

I didn’t buy these specifically because they were compression. Selection in the store the day that I was there was pretty bare bones and I needed some new workout bottoms. The patten looked like nothing special on the rack, but I LOVED them the minute I put them on. The way they looked in the change room was why I bought them, but they have quickly become my favorite pair of bottoms. I tried both a size large and a size medium, buying the medium. The large fit but over the past few months it seems like within a few weeks of buying a new pair, they are falling off of me at the gym, and I was tired of relegating almost new clothing to the ‘can’t wear pile’. The medium take a few second to get into, but once they are on, they feel awesome. They keep the jiggling to a minimum without making me feel claustrophobic and never fall down. It’s a little bit of a pain to get them pulled back up after a mid-workout bathroom break once you’ve started to sweat, but that’s a small price to pay as far as I’m concerned.

• Contigo water bottles (Mine came from Costco, somewhere in the 3 pack for $20 range)
  

I love these water bottles. I’m kind of a water bottle junkie and love trying new water bottles. I’ve tried the Bobble, aluminum ones, Nalgene ones, but this is my favorite by far. I love the autoseal covers, they are a perfect 24 oz size, and won’t cost you an arm and a leg. 

• Lug Cartwheel bag (Retails for $106.00)

I got this bag for free by using some Airmiles. I never would have paid full price for it before trying it out, and honestly, as much as I really like this bag, I don’t think I’d ever pay full price for it. I had never heard of the Lug brand, but the videos I found online for it looked like it would be a functional bag, and it wasn’t really costing me anything so I gave it a try. The biggest feature that I was looking forward to trying out was the outside sleeve for a yoga mat, but that isn’t why I like this bag. I actually don’t use the mat sleeve, but not because the design is bad. I use a 3 year old Lululemon mat that I bought second hand, and it’s a little bit thicker than standard mats. I don’t find that it fits well in the sleeve without squashing things on the interior, so I don’t use it. All of the pockets on the bag were a little intimidating at first, trying to figure out what I was going to put where (I’m a little OCD when it comes to things like that....things need to have a ‘home’ or it drives me crazy and I can never find anything) but now that everything has a spot, I love them. The key fob that attaches on the inside with a clasp is perfect for my gym after hours swipe pass, the vented compartment keeps my sneakers away from everything else (although it does eat away some of the space on the inside of the bag, but the sneakers were going to take up space no matter where I put them) and it’s just big enough to carry my gym clothes, or a change of clothes, depending on the situation. And the colors rock! Mine is the teal-blue color.

Because I like my Cartwheel so much, I’m actually contemplating another Lug bag for my work bag when I go back to work in the fall. We’ll see if I can cough up the cash for it though!

• Seconds Pro app (I forget how much this app was, but I think it was in the $1.99-$2.99 range)

This is my favorite of any interval timer app that I’ve ever used. It plays music from my itunes in the background and can be customized to pretty much any type of interval timer I was. I hate watching a clock when I’m doing intervals....it makes the intervals seem so much longer, so this lets me just listen to my music and then gives me 3 second countdowns between intervals. Love it.

• Luna Protein Bars (Retails around $3)

I bought these when they were on clearance, before I started using protein powder. I haven’t been buying them lately because I don’t need them as an extra protein source and they are a little pricey for me when not on clearance. They run about 180 calories per bar, which is about the lowest I’ve seen in a protein bar, and they aren’t tiny little one bite things. Nutz Over Caramel is a good one, Smore....not so much. 9g of protein per bar, so not a huge protein source but I liked them for before a workout to have something on my belly.

• Earth's Own Coconut Almond Milk (Retails for around $3.50 in the health food/organic section of Superstore of Sobeys)

I’ve looked for a long time for a dairy substitute that I liked. I had issues in the past with extreme belly pain that was eventually blamed on irritable bowel, and have wanted to try to decrease my dairy intake a little bit, but I love cow’s milk, and hate soy milk, and regular almond milk. But I love coconut almond milk! I love coconut and it sweetens it without being a sweetened almond milk. I actually don’t really like the taste of cow’s milk any more.

• MyFitnessPal (FREE!)

I have kind of fallen off of using MyFitnessPal to track my food lately, mostly because I tend to eat the same things and have gotten comfortable enough with their calorie content that I can keep a running tally in my head as the day goes by, but I credit a lot of my success to using MyFitnessPal. It kept me accountable with my calorie intake, gave me ranges for protein, carbs, fats and other nutrients, and kept track of my calories burned. Just like the machines at the gym, the calories burned is just an estimate, but it gives you the general idea. I don’t love it for tracking strength training exercises so I never included that part of my work outs. I love that I can have it as an app on my phone, but it also has a web version for people without smart phones. And it’s free!

• Food scale

Like most people, my perception of serving size was way out of whack. I weigh almost everything I eat so that I know I’m eating a proper serving size. I prefer the scale to measuring cups because I find it easier to measure things that don’t really fit in a measuring cup well. I’m sure you can spend all kinds of money on a kitchen scale, but mine was around the $25 range. I suggest having one that will measure in both grams and ounces, and one that has a zeroing function so you can negate the weight of plates or other foods added.

Things I Use, But Don't Love

• Jogi small towel (No picture...I can’t find one. But my towel is pink)

I sweat. A lot. If I don’t have a hand towel with me, I end up with sweat dripping down off of my nose and collecting in a puddle at my feet. I used a normal bathroom hand towel at first but wanted one that was a little more absorbent and dried more quickly. I got this Jogi one at Superstore for around $10 and it’s ok, but nothing to rave about. It dried quickly but I’d like it to be a little bit more absorbent. I’m still on the hunt for the perfect gym towel.

• Weight lifting gloves

I don’t even know the brand of my current weight lifting gloves. I bought them at Winner’s for $5 and I guess I got what I paid for because they started falling apart within a week or so. I want a comfortable pair that will last, without costing a fortune.

• Lululemon yoga mat

Like I said above, I got my yoga mat second hand. I paid $30 for it. I like the fact that it’s a little bit thicker than an average mat, but I don’t love the material. If I use it in a class other than yoga, when I have my sneakers on, it pulls at the foam and tears little bits out of it. I doubt I can have it both ways, having both the thicker mat and also made out of a more durable material, but I think for my next one I will opt for the tougher material. Any suggestions?

Wish List

• Polar FT40 heart rate monitor

I drool over these online on a daily basis, and they really aren’t that expensive, but there are just so many other things on the need to buy list ahead of a heart rate monitor that it has stayed on the wish list. I would really like to get a better understanding of just how hard I’m working at the gym and how many calories I’m actually burning. 

• Scale with body fat %

This is something (not this brand specifically) I’d like to try but don’t feel it would be worth my money to buy one. My weight on the scale isn’t moving very much now that I’m closer to my goal weight, but I’d love to know if my body fat % is still changing or not. 

So there is my list. What do you love? Have you tried these products and have a different opinion than mine?

Frustrated

I'm getting pretty frustrated with this plateau. It feels like I've been battling these last 10 pounds forever, and I'm feeling more than a little defeated.  

It would be one thing if I was eating crappy, or not getting to the gym and had a real reason to be so stuck, but neither of those are true. I know my diet isn't perfect, but it's mostly a healthy one and, I think more importantly, it's one that I can maintain without feeling deprived. 

 I've tried both decreasing and increasing my daily calories and neither has worked. 

I'm at the gym every day, sometimes doing two workouts or classes back to back, so I'm burning calories.

I'm starting a month of TRX classes in August to try something new. I think my body is becoming too accustomed to what I've been doing. But I honestly don't think TRX is going to change the scale much. 

I know that I said before that if I had to fight too hard to get to the 'healthy' BMI that I would just change my goal weight, but that feels like giving up to me right now. I feel like there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to get to that weight. 

I'm happy with my progress so far, don't get me wrong, I'm just not at the point that I'm satisfied with my body. It feels extra frustrating that I've gotten so close to goal but can't actually get there. 

I've started having dreams that all the weight I've lost starts piling back on despite my doing everything "right". This plateau needs to give soon. I'm just at a loss as to how to make that happen. 

How has everyone else dealt with plateaus? What finally worked to get you through them?

Progress Pictures

Lots of people have been asking to see current pictures of me. It's a good thing I'm not a 16 year old girl, because I can't take a flattering "selfie" to save my life. But I made an attempt this morning and they will have to be good enough.

First, lets start with some before's, shall we? I don't have a lot of before pictures. I'm the mom behind the camera most of the time, and I avoided being in front of it because I didn't like how I looked.

This is a picture of my driver's license. I need to go get a new one because I look different than I do in this picture.

                                                This one is from Halloween 2011.

We took this one just before Christmas 2012 as part of a present for my grandparents. Ignore the frame in our hands.

This is the first time I tried on my bridesmaid dress. I had already lost a few pounds, 10 maybe, by the time I tried it on. It zipped, but hung horribly and was really uncomfortable because it didn't fit.

Now for some "on the way" pictures. I haven't made it to goal weight (or maybe more importantly, body composition) yet so I'm not calling these after pictures. 

For comparison, here I am at the wedding, in the above dress. The dress still kind of didn't fit that day, but it was because it was too big. And couldn't be taken in any more....it had already been taken in about 7".

These next two are ones taken within the past few weeks at the cottage, both with Hudson.

And finally, here is my attempt at a picture this morning. 70 pounds lighter than I was in January.

And of course because I'm not the only person in this house changing, here are a few pictures of the boys lately.

Wyatt with the avocado pit we are growing. It took 2 months but it now has two roots and is actually sprouting. We need to get it out of the mason jar full of water and into some soil.

Bath time. They are both little fish!

High 5, Hudson!

Won't Derail Me

The spring/summer after Wyatt was born (2010) I started going for a half hour walk every evening. I walked back the lane through the potato fields behind our house. I started jogging a bit but was so out of shape that I couldn't do it for much more than a minute at a time. But I was losing a little bit of weight and my fitness was slowly improving. Then I got hurt. I tried to keep walking but it was too uncomfortable. I can't remember now if it was my hamstring or my Achilles, but it wasn't even an actual injury. Just a muscle strain or something from wearing old sneakers as trying to walk/run on rough surfaces. What should have been a temporary issue, stopped me permanently. I stopped walking every day and what weight I had lost all came back. 

Since January I've been waiting for something to come up and stop my progress. I had a few days early on that my knee was sore from moving the wrong way, but I babied it a bit and it was never a major issue. Still I’ve waited for what was going to derail me, because it didn't seem possible that I might actually not be obese all of my life. My ‘rest’ days away from the gym don’t feel like rest days....they feel like wasted days and are really hard for me to take.

During the end of May and for the most part of June I have kind of hit a weight loss plateau. I know that my body is still changing because my clothing fits differently but the scale has been stubborn. One week I gained (not much, 0.4 of a pound) and then the next I was down 5 pounds without really doing anything different. The week after that stayed about the same.

I had really hoped for a great start to June because I knew that the middle and end would be a test thanks to the wedding that I was in (the one in which I was wearing the bridesmaid dress that started this weight loss) and I wanted to really be able to enjoy myself. I’m still struggling with being okay with not being at the gym everyday, and while my diet is in no way shape or form perfect, I don’t do a whole lot of splurging in the calorie and junk department, and I thought that a few weeks of solid loss before all of the wedding festivities would let me relax a little. 

I didn’t have  great start to June though. Stagnant weight on the scale was followed by 3 days away from the gym because of mastitis. I was careful with my eating though and managed to maintain that week. Then the bachelorette party the weekend before the wedding was another hurdle. I’m not drinking alcohol since I’m still nursing and I didn’t really eat that badly, but the extra salt that my body isn’t used to put the scale up a few pounds, despite running my first road 5km race the morning of the bachelorette. I have gotten better recently at accepting that not every gain on the scale is an actual gain. I know that I didn’t consume enough extra calories to actually gain fat pounds back but the numbers sliding back up a little is still discouraging. 

The week between the bachelorette party and the wedding was another stagnant week on the scale and going into the wedding weekend I was pretty anxious. 

Not about the wedding, my two friends are perfect together and I am so happy for them. 

Not about my dress, the one that was too small in January had been taken in 3 times and couldn’t be taken in anymore. The size of the dress was 3 or 4 sizes too big....so my hard work paid off. 

I was anxious about having 4 days in a row of not getting to the gym. Anxious about eating pretty much exclusively in restaurants. And truthfully I was anxious that I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy the weekend for fear of gaining a few pounds. As much as I haven’t felt deprived through this weight loss, I have been working hard and my diet and exercise are pretty much always on my mind. If I couldn’t relax and get through one long weekend, how was I ever going to be able to get through the rest of my life without turning into a gym/diet nazi?

I packed my gym bag and took it to the hotel just incase I had a few extra minutes to get to the gym, but the clothes stayed in the bag. I didn’t get there Friday after decorating and I knew that was my last opportunity, so I made myself be ok with that. Not going to the gym wasn’t going to transform me back into the 246 pound Darby over a weekend and that if I did gain a pound or two back, that I would just take it off again. Relax.

So, I did. No gym. An ok breakfast the morning of the wedding, a decent lunch before the wedding thanks to the bride’s mom, but the bag of chocolate covered jube-jubes that we snacked on all day probably didn’t do anyone any favors. They were so good though!

We walked around downtown Charlottetown for an hour or so (in heels....I don’t wear heels) for pictures after the ceremony, so that was a little exercise. The reception was buffet but I only had one reasonable plate. My parents and my boys were there and by the time I ate, both of the boys were looking for some Mommy time to we went up to our room. I did return in time for dessert however, and I had some of each of the three offered. Strawberry shortcake, cheesecake and apple crisp. Then at the dance I had wedding cake. So, 4 desserts. In one day. And they were all delicious!

I had plans to rush back home to get to class at the gym Sunday morning, but the late hours and running around of getting ready for the weekend took its toll and I was exhausted. I woke when I had originally wanted to be getting out of town and we still had to pack, drop of the shirt that my husband had forgotten to put in the bag with the rest of his tux, then drop my husband off at home before I headed to the gym. I dressed in my gym clothes, but my the time we got to the car I knew that there would be no gym that day. So we went to my parent’s cottage to get the boys and headed to the wedding gift opening and ate some more crap. Deli trays and more wedding cake. In for a pinch, in for a pound I guess. 

When I woke up Monday morning I was pretty leery of getting on the scale, but much to my surprise I managed to lose 2 pounds over the weekend. Ha! Maybe 4 desserts is the key!

I would have been happy to stay the same, but the loss was fantastic. And it was more of a victory than just the 2 pounds on the scale. It was proof to myself that I won’t spontaneously combust if I don’t get to the gym everyday. I can eat crap once in awhile and not balloon up to my old weight. Moderation.

I can relax.

As much as I know maintaining once I get to my goal weight won’t necessarily be easy, it will be manageable. I can survive small set backs and it won’t derail me completely.

The Difference 60+ Pounds Makes

Here are some things I have learned, noticed, or realized as I've lost 60 pounds. I borrowed this idea from Katie over at Runs for Cookies, and a lot of mine are similar to hers. You should check out her blog....she lost something like 125 pounds!!!

-I sink.
I love to swim (in a pool...little sea creatures and open ocean are not my friend) and before, I could stay afloat with pretty much no effort. I had a hard time diving for the weights in the pool because I would just float back up. I noticed today when I had the boys at the pool that now, I sink.

-H can nap on my chest.
I could never lay down flat with my boys on by chest when they were tiny because my belly was so much higher than my chest that it put them at a slant. I always needed to have myself propped up to keep then at the proper angle. We had an hour long nap yesterday with H on my chest and I didn't need to be propped up. 

-I don't have deep veins.
It had always been a challenge to start IV's on me. The students at the college hated practicing on me because you couldn't see my veins, only feel them. I would always say " my veins are good if you can find them, they are just deep" like it was just how I was made. Now I know that they were only deep because they were covered in FAT. 

-No more high blood pressure. 
I always hovered in that area just under actual hypertension. Not anymore. Last time I took my blood pressure it was 118/46. 

-My resting heart rate dropped from low-mid 90's down to the low-mid 50's. 

-I can use any towel.
We have two really big bath towels and they used to be the only ones I could get to completely cover me after a shower. Now, any of our towels cover me just fine. 

-There is no need for air conditioning in January.
At work it would be routine for my partner and me to have the AC on all the time. While I'm not back to work so don't actually know, I'm pretty sure I won't need it as much. 

-I don't know how people with no body fat survive without freezing to death. I am now cold all of the time!

-The regular size blood pressure cuff is lots big. 

-My bones don't weigh that much.
When I've thought about trying to lose weight in the past I never wanted to pick an ambitious (one that would actually put me at a healthy weight) goal because I never thought I would ever be not overweight. I used to rationalize not weighing a healthy weight by saying, "I'll never weight 168lbs....my bones alone weigh that much!"
They don't.

-I can enjoy a bath.
I can now have a bath and not feel cold all of the time because most of me is sticking out of the water. My torso can now be completely covered by water. 

-I can sit in chairs comfortably.
Those metal chairs with the arms that you find in banquet halls use to be uncomfortable and my legs would push against the arms. Now I fit without touching the sides. 

-I can cross my legs like a girl.
I could never sit with my legs crossed at the knee...I always had to cross them like a man with one ankle on the other knee. 

-I can buy any folding lawn chair and not be nervous of it collapsing.
I like having a fabric folding lawn chair for sitting outside at work but I was always heavier than the max weight. I still bought them but always felt nervous sitting down. 

-I wasn't only able to start wearing my wedding rings again, I also had to get them sized. Down from a size 9 to a 7.5. 

-I don't have to look for the biggest size. I could never buy many items of clothes that I really liked because the biggest size wasn't big enough. I still automatically look toward the back of the rack for the biggest size, but then realize I don't need it anymore. 

-I now weigh less than my husband.

-I don't mind my husband knowing how much I weigh.
Obviously my husband knew I was overweight (and loved me and found me attractive anyway) but I still didn't like him knowing the actual number. 

-I don't hide from cameras.
I have been looking for a good "before" picture but haven't really found a good one because I hated having my picture taken. My face.book profile picture hasn't been of me since W was born. I was much happier to share pictures of him, then him and H, than of myself. 

-I'm not too big to borrow my dad's warmer clothes if we stay into the evening at their cottage and I get cold. 

-I was having my last fitting in my bridesmaid dress the other day and the groom's mom, who is doing the alterations, handed me a robe to wear while she adjusted something.
She held it up and my brain automatically thought "that isn't going to fit and won't cover me" but then I remembered that I'm not the same size anymore. The robe fit with lots of room to spare. 

-I can eat foods without mayo, butter or sour cream.
Before, I had to have foods a certain way. Tuna salad had to have mayo (and lots of it), potatoes and veggies had to have butter or margarine, tacos had to have sour cream. My taste buds were used to the fat that makes these things so yummy, and food tasted like crap without them. But my tastebuds have adjusted. I rarely eat any of those things and my food does not taste like crap. It tastes like the food is supposed to!

-I like looking like a girl. Before, I was more comfortable hiding in baggy clothes and had no desire to wear anything 'cute'. Now I hate how baggy clothes look (still not comfortable in anything to skin tight though) and like the idea of looking girly. 

-My BMI has gone from obese to overweight and I'm now 16 lbs from healthy! I never thought I would ever see that category. 

-I look down at my thighs when I'm on the spin bikes at the gym and think "Those can't be my legs!" 

-I need to eat all day long. I was never a breakfast eater, but now it's my most satisfying meal of the day. I eat at least every 3 hours. 

-I can lay on the couch with W. We were rapidly running out of room.

-Jumping jacks aren’t sent from the Devil (but volleyball wall taps are!)
When we started going to classes, I hated jumping jacks. After about 5 of them I had to stop because I was exhausted. Now I can easily do a minute of jumping jacks at a time.

-When W gets tired and grumpy and wants a little extra Mommy attention and wants me to carry him and H, I can. W weighs 50 lbs and H weighs 20 lbs plus his infant car seat. So, 75-80 lbs of kids, with ease.

-Going to the gym is not a chore. Getting to the gym is my escape. I know once I go back to work this might change, but I love how I feel after I’ve gotten in a good work out and hope that will be enough to get my butt there, even after a long shift at work.


What are some things you have noticed if you've lost weight? What little day to day things are you looking forward to that you can't do now?

Sums It All Up

Goal Weight

When I started trying to lose weight in January I didn’t really pick a goal weight, for a couple of reasons.

First was that any weight that would put me into a healthy range based on my BMI seemed so far away that I would never get there, and I didn’t want to pick a goal weight that I would strive for forever but never reach. I think that a big reason why I was so unhappy tracking my food the last time was because I felt like I was working my butt off but not really getting anywhere. My goal didn’t seem to be getting any closer and that just made it seem that much more daunting. I should have broken it down into smaller goals working towards a larger one.

Second was that I had nothing to compare to. Some people have a weight that they want to get back to, what they weighed in university, or when they got married, for example. I don’t have that because I’ve never weighed a healthy, happy weight as an adult, or ever teenager for that matter. I don’t know what I weighed in high school because I knew it was too much and didn’t want to get on a scale, but I’m sure it was at least 200 lbs from junior high on. I was never comfortable in clothing and was always self conscious, so much so that I’m not sure why I didn’t do something about it then.

So, I didn’t start out with a concrete goal weight. I started off with wanting to reach Onderland (having my weight not be in the 200’s). As I started losing relatively quickly and I was content with how I was accomplishing it, not miserable, I knew that I needed to have something to aim for after that. With no other frame of reference to pick a final goal, I went with BMI. I have always thought that my “healthy” range for my height was a little low, between 125-168 lbs. It seemed really low when I was looking at it from my starting weight! But I wanted to get into the ‘healthy” category so I chose the top of the range as my goal, keeping it in my mind that I might change that as I got closer. I wanted to get to 168 and see how my body felt. If I was content and felt healthy there, then I would stop. If I felt like I could maybe go down a few more pounds, then I would adjust my goal and keep going a little lower. If I had to starve myself and be miserable to get to that weight then I would adjust in the other direction and raise my goal weight. I  know that I will definitely never see the bottom of the healthy BMI range and that realistically 125 lbs would not be a healthy weight for me. I would look like a skeleton!

I hit my first goal at the end of April. No more 200’s for this girl! 168 still looked awfully far away but it also felt manageable. I knew that I could get there. 

I’m now sitting just 17 lbs from that final goal weight and I’m still not sure if 168 will stay the goal or not. I have noticed way more changes in my body, and how clothes fit, in the last 20 lbs than I had seen up to that point. If that stays true, then I think I might be ok with stopping there, but I don’t know. I now feel that it is a weight that I can reach with starving myself and being miserable, even if the loss starts slowing down. I see more muscle and definition in my body almost daily and know that because I don’t have as much fat to lose that it will be harder to see the scale move, but I’m certain I can do 17 more pounds! I would love to reach my final weight before I head back to work this fall so that I can settle back into life as a working mom and just have to maintain my weight, not still trying to lose, and I’m confident that I can. I’ve found that success feeds on success and seeing the number on the scale get smaller and smaller makes me want it that much more.