Won't Derail Me

The spring/summer after Wyatt was born (2010) I started going for a half hour walk every evening. I walked back the lane through the potato fields behind our house. I started jogging a bit but was so out of shape that I couldn't do it for much more than a minute at a time. But I was losing a little bit of weight and my fitness was slowly improving. Then I got hurt. I tried to keep walking but it was too uncomfortable. I can't remember now if it was my hamstring or my Achilles, but it wasn't even an actual injury. Just a muscle strain or something from wearing old sneakers as trying to walk/run on rough surfaces. What should have been a temporary issue, stopped me permanently. I stopped walking every day and what weight I had lost all came back. 

Since January I've been waiting for something to come up and stop my progress. I had a few days early on that my knee was sore from moving the wrong way, but I babied it a bit and it was never a major issue. Still I’ve waited for what was going to derail me, because it didn't seem possible that I might actually not be obese all of my life. My ‘rest’ days away from the gym don’t feel like rest days....they feel like wasted days and are really hard for me to take.

During the end of May and for the most part of June I have kind of hit a weight loss plateau. I know that my body is still changing because my clothing fits differently but the scale has been stubborn. One week I gained (not much, 0.4 of a pound) and then the next I was down 5 pounds without really doing anything different. The week after that stayed about the same.

I had really hoped for a great start to June because I knew that the middle and end would be a test thanks to the wedding that I was in (the one in which I was wearing the bridesmaid dress that started this weight loss) and I wanted to really be able to enjoy myself. I’m still struggling with being okay with not being at the gym everyday, and while my diet is in no way shape or form perfect, I don’t do a whole lot of splurging in the calorie and junk department, and I thought that a few weeks of solid loss before all of the wedding festivities would let me relax a little. 

I didn’t have  great start to June though. Stagnant weight on the scale was followed by 3 days away from the gym because of mastitis. I was careful with my eating though and managed to maintain that week. Then the bachelorette party the weekend before the wedding was another hurdle. I’m not drinking alcohol since I’m still nursing and I didn’t really eat that badly, but the extra salt that my body isn’t used to put the scale up a few pounds, despite running my first road 5km race the morning of the bachelorette. I have gotten better recently at accepting that not every gain on the scale is an actual gain. I know that I didn’t consume enough extra calories to actually gain fat pounds back but the numbers sliding back up a little is still discouraging. 

The week between the bachelorette party and the wedding was another stagnant week on the scale and going into the wedding weekend I was pretty anxious. 

Not about the wedding, my two friends are perfect together and I am so happy for them. 

Not about my dress, the one that was too small in January had been taken in 3 times and couldn’t be taken in anymore. The size of the dress was 3 or 4 sizes too big....so my hard work paid off. 

I was anxious about having 4 days in a row of not getting to the gym. Anxious about eating pretty much exclusively in restaurants. And truthfully I was anxious that I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy the weekend for fear of gaining a few pounds. As much as I haven’t felt deprived through this weight loss, I have been working hard and my diet and exercise are pretty much always on my mind. If I couldn’t relax and get through one long weekend, how was I ever going to be able to get through the rest of my life without turning into a gym/diet nazi?

I packed my gym bag and took it to the hotel just incase I had a few extra minutes to get to the gym, but the clothes stayed in the bag. I didn’t get there Friday after decorating and I knew that was my last opportunity, so I made myself be ok with that. Not going to the gym wasn’t going to transform me back into the 246 pound Darby over a weekend and that if I did gain a pound or two back, that I would just take it off again. Relax.

So, I did. No gym. An ok breakfast the morning of the wedding, a decent lunch before the wedding thanks to the bride’s mom, but the bag of chocolate covered jube-jubes that we snacked on all day probably didn’t do anyone any favors. They were so good though!

We walked around downtown Charlottetown for an hour or so (in heels....I don’t wear heels) for pictures after the ceremony, so that was a little exercise. The reception was buffet but I only had one reasonable plate. My parents and my boys were there and by the time I ate, both of the boys were looking for some Mommy time to we went up to our room. I did return in time for dessert however, and I had some of each of the three offered. Strawberry shortcake, cheesecake and apple crisp. Then at the dance I had wedding cake. So, 4 desserts. In one day. And they were all delicious!

I had plans to rush back home to get to class at the gym Sunday morning, but the late hours and running around of getting ready for the weekend took its toll and I was exhausted. I woke when I had originally wanted to be getting out of town and we still had to pack, drop of the shirt that my husband had forgotten to put in the bag with the rest of his tux, then drop my husband off at home before I headed to the gym. I dressed in my gym clothes, but my the time we got to the car I knew that there would be no gym that day. So we went to my parent’s cottage to get the boys and headed to the wedding gift opening and ate some more crap. Deli trays and more wedding cake. In for a pinch, in for a pound I guess. 

When I woke up Monday morning I was pretty leery of getting on the scale, but much to my surprise I managed to lose 2 pounds over the weekend. Ha! Maybe 4 desserts is the key!

I would have been happy to stay the same, but the loss was fantastic. And it was more of a victory than just the 2 pounds on the scale. It was proof to myself that I won’t spontaneously combust if I don’t get to the gym everyday. I can eat crap once in awhile and not balloon up to my old weight. Moderation.

I can relax.

As much as I know maintaining once I get to my goal weight won’t necessarily be easy, it will be manageable. I can survive small set backs and it won’t derail me completely.